Rose Marie Hawkins

My Beloved grammy, Rose Marie Elinor Hawkins, went to be with her Savior on January 16,2010.

My words are inadequate to describe this precious lady. Or the faithful life she lived. but in my humble attempt, i'll try.

Kind-hearted, gentle, gracious, loving, encouraging, hospitable, faithful, selfless... These are merely a few of the words that come to mind when I think of my grammy.

This past week has been an excruciating journey filled, with sorrow of watching her suffer- the agony of wishing I could take her place and hurt for her, of fearful trepidition knowing at any moment may be her last- a goodbye I would never be ready for, of sweet worship singing the beloved hymns with her, pure blessing as she recited the 23rd Psalm with my mom, of intimate tenderness as she lay holding hands with my grandpa, precious love as in the midst of her coma-like state in which she hadn't uttered words for hours she clearly calls out my brother's name.She knew he was missing. Each time another grandkid arrived she perked up, when we said I love you she formed the words as best she could.
The Hospice ladies, who said she would die any moment on Friday morning, were astounded when she hung on 'til Saturday night. They said they had never seen anything like it, and that her motherly love must be soo strong as to keep her here this long. You could tell each time she heard our voices she tried to come back to us. She was ready to meet her Savior, but didn't want to leave her family.
For us watching, it was painful. Heart-wrenching. And a precious time i'll never forget. To have a family of 20 surrounding her all singing hymns of Heaven with her in her last moments was a rare gift I will treasure always.

Since my grammy's passing it has been a whirlwind of preparations to plan and decisions to be made, and truthfully it all seems surreal to me. Like a bad dream.
I kept expecting when I woke up at my grandparent's house this week that she would be there making sure I had plenty to eat. Making sure gramps had bought enough pickles and olives to share with me :), Sitting in her chair as we sang hymns together as I played them on the piano-with her telling me that she had NO IDEA that piano could sound sound and that she missed having me around 'cuz i'm the only one who played hymns for her. Or waiting impatiently for 4pm to come around so we could get our daily Judge Judy fix :)... and on my way out the door she would always remind me " Don't forget to make a trip to the M&M man on your way out" in fact... you better take a bag full for the road. And as always, she would keep the jelly belly jar hidden so as to make sure I had plenty of my favorite Grapefruit flavored ones left for me when I came. The memories go on and on... and it was a strange reality this week to no longer hear those things. Or to listen to her gentle laugh. Her kind words. Give her a gentle hug. or smell her scent- P.S I love you, that will always remind me of her.
The void of my grammy is a GIANT one. One that has yet to sink in as being permanent.
The saddest part for me, is seeing my gramps alone. He was 18 when he met her, 19 when he married her. He's 87 now.
Watching him this week broke my heart. This strong confident man wandered like a lost puppy- tears streaming down his face at any given moment.
My heart aches for my grand-pappy. Deeply so.
Yet in watching how he missed her, I was able to witness how deeply he loved her.
From his articulate arrangments for how he wanted her buried, the flowers, the memorial service...
One night, he woke up around 3 am and he reached for her hand and she wasn't there. But the next morning he came out to the living room and the first thing he said to us was "Grandma was cold last night, we need to put an extra quilt on her bed."
He knew she was gone...but he was still concerned. She was still his first priority.

I have been immensly privilaged to not only throughout my grandparents marriage, but also in this last week, be able to witness true Christ-like love in action.

Through thick and thin, for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part. My grandparents faithfully stuck by those vows right up until the moment the Lord took my grammy home.

As I have watched my grandparents I have longed that someday I may have a marriage like theirs. Different, with God's unique spin just for me, but steadfast and faithfully committed first to the Lord and then to each other. Whether they have one day together or 67 years.
I admit, lately, i have lost hope that such a man exists.That committed men of God just aren't a reality anymore. That any man could love ONE woman through all the trials, rough spots, diseases,cancers, bodily deterioration that is inevitable, and yet still truly faithfully LOVE her.
But my grandparents did it. So I will pray for nothing less. I will set my sights high and my prayers to the Cross. For I want a marriage that honors the Lord. Where two people so intricately intertwined love and serve the Lord together, in all that they do, they work as a team in whatever season life brings. Until Death calls one home. That's what I long for.
My grandparent's marriage has given me something to pray for, hope for, and aspire to. My marriage won't be the same as theirs. But I pray it will be built from the same foundation of the Lord Jesus Christ and that it too will be cemented with a steadfast committment to the Lord and to each other, each day God gives us breath.
Not only has my grandparents marriage given me pause for thought. But so has my grammy herself.
I thank the Lord for her.
She was not naturally outgoing-yet she was always gracious and hospitable to whomever walked through her door.
She was not outspoken-but one soft word from her carried more weight and encouragement than a whole slew of words ever could.
She wasn't flashy-but her gentle and quiet spirit inexplicably made you drawn to her.
She didn't conquer the world- but her steadfast faithfulness left behind an incredible legacy.

I was astounded at her memorial service. SOOO many people came. So many left cards- dozens and dozens of cards. We read them together as a family- the Words they had to say about my grandma showed how much, in her gentle sweet way, she touched countless lives. The outpouring was incredible.

I know my grandma had no idea the impact she had and the imprint she left behind. She was an unassuming woman, just living for her Savior. and her Humble faithfulness made its mark on so many people.

My grandma was well-loved. Far more than she ever could've imagined.

Seeing the outpouring of love for my grams got me thinking. What legacy will I leave behind?
When i'm gone what will people have to say about me? in what ways will I have touched peoples' lives, good or bad?
What kind of woman will I be known to be?

I'm alot like my grandma,
I inherited my love and gift of music from her
My love for the sacred hymns
I have her fingers- the long,graceful piano fingers
I'm not naturally overly outgoing- but I love talking with people one on one. I care about people and want to be there any way I can.
i'm not overly outspoken- I am a thinker so what I say I've definately thought about. Yet I, like my grams, have a fiery feisty streak in me...watch out for it :)... but when I speak it's because I care.
i'm not flashy... yet hopefully in my own way I can make a difference for the Lord.

I'm so thankful for my grams. She taught me it's ok to be me.
Honestly, especially lately, I've been feeling not good enough. That i wasn't loveable just the way I am, I wasn't good enough, worth enough...and on and on.
I have felt the need to compete. To do something extraordinary, to be good at ALL these things, constantly look cute, have gorgeous hair, have a sparkly outgoing vibrant personality all the time...just to be appreciated or deemed valuable.
But in watching my grams and recalling her life... I realized. She was just her. And she was the most precious lady i've ever met.
She never once made me feel less than the Best. She loved me just as I am. and always told me so.
I've realized, I like who I am. And who God is growing me to be.
I may not naturally be outgoing, but I in my own quirky way can be carefree pizazzy and vibrant. I may not be overly ambitious, but I long to serve the Lord and be where he wants me. I want to love on people. little kids, elderly and everyone in between.
I want to be someone you feel safe talking to. Like a kindred-spirit. Where you will get a gentle word, and honest word( whether in tough love or gentle encouragement) but a person who in talking with draws you closer to the Lord.
I may not be model gorgeous,able to afford designer clothes, may not be overly popular or out saving the world. But I pray I'm a faithful friend.

God doesn't create copies only originals.

I don't need to be like anyone else. I'm exactly me for a reason. and God has a special purpose for me.

Now when I look in the mirror I'm thankful for my green eyes, auburn hair, big teeth, imperfect complexion. And i'm thankful for my personality and gifts and talents... everything that makes up me.
Not because I never have moments when I don't wish I was someone else. I do.
But when I see myself now, I see myself as a Masterpiece designed by the Creator of the Universe. And God saw me as good, just as I am.

I have my grandma to thank for alot of where I am at. In her quiet way she impacted me so much. Her gracious words will never be forgotten, her unconditional love will be a warm hug on a cold day, each memory will be a precious reminder to me of a life well- loved and well-lived. It is possible. Just by beeing exactly who God called her to be. And who God has called me to be.

If I am half the woman my grammy was, I'll be forever grateful.

Grammy, I miss you terribly.
But I rejoice greatly knowing you are free now. No more sorrow and no more pain. You can walk, and see and hear. You are cancer-free. You're home with your Savior whom you spent a lifetime faithfully loving and serving.
I will see you again. On that blessed day when God calls me home.
Save me a seat in the heavenly choir.
You get to see Jesus face to face.
And hear him say the words "well done, my good and faithful servant"
You ran your race well grammy.
You endured to the end.
And now you are reaping your eternal rewards.

I love you greatly. Thank you for being such an amazing example to me of a godly woman who devoted her life to her Lord. And whose love for her family kept her 'til the end.

I'll love you forever, my precious grammy.
I'll be looking forward to our reunion in our heavenly home. Where we will enjoy the Lord Forever.

Thank you for praying for me all these years.

I love the Lord grammy, and your faithful prayers on my behalf have been heard, and are being answered.

May I be a faithful follower. Just like you. Each day I draw breath.

I love you, walk with Jesus grammy :)

2010~

At the start of a new year I always say to myself " maybe this will finally be the good, pain-free, productive, worthwhile year i've been waiting for" and I'm always in for a rude awakening.

This year has been no different. At the end of 2009 I was more than ready for a rest. A good long spiritual, emotional, relational, physical REST. My soul was beyond exhausted. I couldn't wait for the clock to strike mid-night on the Eve of New Years, to put the cares of the past year behind me and to welcome the new year with eagerly awaiting arms. I wanted this year to be the year of abandonment. Of joy overflowing. Carefree anticipation. Infectious exuberance for the grand things the Lord had in store for me. This was gonna be a good year. Free from painful experiences if I could help it! This was THE year i had been hoping for to no avail the past 5+ years....

Once again, a RUDE AWAKENING.

This year has started off with cares from the past year becoming more painful and complicated rather than healed, finished,forgotten.

2010 will not, i repeat, WILL NOT turn out to be a pain-free year.

My beloved grammy, precious woman of God, is in her final days of her story here on earth. At any moment our wonderful Savior will call her home. Leaving those of us left behind with the painful abscence and loss of the sweetest woman i've ever met. My grandma's name is Rose- a more fitting name I couldn't imagine. "An excellent woman who can find, her worth is far above rubies." To say I've been blessed to know and love her, and be loved by her is an understatment. She is a treasure. I couldn't have asked for a better grammy, role model and friend. Her and my grandpa have daily lived out a 1 Cor 13 love, and i've been privilaged to see it. They have been married for 68 years. My grandpa is a living example of staying committed in sickness and in health. My grammy is a diabetic, blind in one eye, and has multiple cancers, and for the past year has been on kidney dialysis. She is 90 years old. And my grandpa has been the primary caretaker. Committing his life to serve and love my grandma. At all costs. I admire him so. And my grammy, NEVER complains. The first thing she asks when you see her is " how are YOU doing?" followed closely by grave concern that we arent being fed enough as she proceeds to prepare a feast for you to eat. You CANNOT say no, she'll keep offering 'til you have accepted and eaten more than a whole army should. :) She NEVER EVER complains about the pain she is feeling, her concern is always for others. She is my inspiration. I have been blessed beyond words to have them as my grandparents. Their love for the Lord and each other has seen them through each of life's storms. I love them so.
Losing my grammy: pain free? NO
Knowing she will soon be walking beside her beloved Savior, free from pain and suffering forever: Greatly Comforting? ABSOLUTELY.

As the last part of 2009 and this first part of 2010 have shown me, life will never be pain-free.
And you know what, it doesn't matter.

The Lord has been and is continuing to teach me a contentment in Him that is unwavering inspite of circumstances. A complete trust in His character. A steadfast assurance of who my God is and what he has done, is doing, and will do in my life. He knows far better than I what I need, where i'm supposed to be, Who I'm supposed to be, and what my future holds.
Do I trust him enough to relinquish my most precious hopes and dreams to him?
Will I love him enough to give him ALL of me?
Will I... Surrender.
And i'm learning to. daily. A daily relinquishment of all I want to hold onto. long for.care about.hurt over.dwell upon. It's all His anyways. And it's all out of my control. It's completely in His hands. Always has been whether I tried to keep it myself or not.

Will I fully trust that God knows EXACTLY what he's doing, and it's for my good and His glory?

That's the question.

This year is shaping up to be an incredibly life-changing year. One with the promise of pain, failure, hurt, rejection, disapointment... and If i'm willing to surrender.... one that can be full of unrestrained joy in the Lord, utter abandonment for him, reckless crazy love for my savior, full of immense opportunities to be his hands and feet wherever whenever he calls me and right where he has me.
Whether God keeps me here in Cali, or moves me to Washington, or brings me to a place not yet placed on my heart. He'll use me. If i let him.

I long for my face to radiate with the Love of Christ. My smile to tell of his Glory, my eyes to twinkle with the infectious promise that knowing and serving Christ wholeheartedly will be worth it. Far beyond what we can comprehend or imagine.
When you see me this year, i pray you won't see Kelsey Michele Heathers. I pray you'll see a woman who knows, serves and loves the Lord unashamedly and unreservedly. And loves others more selflessly and completely. Crazily in love and recklessly abandoned for the Lord. May that be what i'm known for.

May my life point upward.

I pray 2010 will not be all about me. But about Him.
Less of Me and more of you Lord.

I hope you'll follow along with me. walk beside me, hold me accountable with tough love, encourage me, and most importantly fall completely in Love with our Savior right along with me.

Let us sharpen each other, urge each other on in the faith.
My deepest prayer is that we would not remain lukewarm, complacent, or stagnant in our love relationship with Christ this year.

Let us not settle for mediocre. good enough. tolerable.

I don't want to be content with that.

I hope when non-believers see us they can recognize whom we serve. Can they see a difference? can they tell?

I want to be overwhelmed and exploding with a love for the Lord. Starting now.

I want that for you too.

2010... I can't wait to see what you have in store.

For the life I have, as long as I have it...may it be used for your Glory alone.

Thank you Jesus!